Music Business 104;
Personal Relationships

6/98 - Jens Moller - http://www.colomar.com/Shavano/business104.html

It seems like 90% of all the popular songs have something to do with Love, about someone you used to Love or someone who doesn't know about your un-requited Love. You would think that Musicians/Singers/Artists would have a handle on this topic, but in reality, being successful in this business usually stresses out personal relationships to the point where they fall apart.

Who are you?

You probably really enjoy performing and creating new things, and would gladly spend days working on your skills to improve and perform even more. You can animate inanimate objects (Guitar, Keyboard, etc.), you have extreme control over subtle tonal variations and expressive sounds, or maybe a presence that audiences notice. Your instrument, whether an inanimate thing, a skill, or your voice, drives you harder.

You gain an infinite amount of pleasure from this. You have been doing it for quite some time, and you'll never allow this part of your life to be unimportant - it is who you are and what you are all about.

Who do you want to be?

Musicians, entertainers, singers and artists come from all walks of life. You could be a Chairman of a corporation, you could wash dishes - it makes no difference as far as the artistry goes; you do this because you love it. You can go anywhere in the world and meet another musician, entertainer, singer or artist and immediately have something to talk about and feel that you have some insight to that other person. I have traveled all over the United States, much of Northern Europe and Parts of Canada and no matter where I go, I try to stop at small music shops and meet people - I know that I always have something in common with them and I rarely feel alone, no matter where I go.

If you've not tried visiting random music shops, maybe you didn't realize that there are so many people that have a common interest, and its very much like your own. Its probable that there will be differences in what you like and most definitely culture will affect peoples perspectives. Give it a try sometime. You may not always be impressed by who you meet, but thats not because you don't have similar goals - you'll just have different goals. There is nothing wrong with that. You might learn something or meet someone who alters your direction a little bit - it could prove valuable in the long run.

What's the problem?

This is not easy to address intelligently. If you are not up-front and very specific about what is important to you, and the level of commitment that you have to these long term goals, the result is usually anger and frustration. If your life revolves around performing, then your relationship will take a back seat to performing. Is there anything wrong with this? No; this is just the way it is. If you think that you've found that perfect person to spend the rest of your life with, and they don't understand that they have share you with inanimate objects, you have not found that perfect person - you may be able to work with them, but they have to adapt and they may not want to.

Here are some areas of misunderstanding that crop up frequently:

Practice - To get the music, vocals, techniques and a live performance tuned and effective, you have to practice frequently. This is where you build a 6th sense with your fellow performers. To people who are not participants, it sounds like you are playing the same stuff over and over, and they get bored with it real fast. When you go off to practice, rather than spend time with them, they feel hurt because you are just going off to do some repetitious thing that you might have done 100 times before. The problem is, you can't be successful without practicing. If you are working on new material, or creating something, it simply takes time. You also work out your sound, volume levels and a million other details by practicing. At times you have to add special material or alter your show for a specific job or environment.
Performing - You have a few hours of set-up and adjustments to make before the performance. This has to be done. Then there is the actual performance where you have a little free time between sets, then after the show, you have to tear down your gear and get things packed away, and get paid (if it is a paying job - it may not be if you are trying to showcase your talents). If you are booked for a 5 hour gig, you need to add 2 hours in front of and 2 hours after the gig. This means that you have to allocate around 9 hours of your day to this effort. This is important to you. Others often assume that you just show up, and play a few songs, spend all your free time with them, then leave with them when the show is over. Everything is Dependant on how the performance goes, and It's rarely this simple for more than a very few people, most likely, you are not one of them.
Your Popularity - People are drawn to entertainers. There are fans for all sorts of skills and practically everyone involved with a performance will encounter someone, sometime, who has similar interests and wants to meet you and discuss your skill. This tends to inspire jealousy, because this may be the way you met the other person who now claims ownership of you and your time, and they want you all to themselves.
Your Purchases - You are always shopping for new gear. Maybe its state of the art or you happened to run into a great deal on some equipment you have always wanted or suddenly realized would be very useful. This appears to be more of what you already have to other people and they don't understand what you could possibly need it for. Its possible that you'll be short of cash for a while because of this find, but in your quest for long term success, its worth it to you. Others feel that this sacrifice makes no sense at all.
Your Time - Music, entertaining and/or creating new things are really at the core of your life and when an opportunity presents itself, you make time for it. Often other people made plans for both of you, but, as far as you are concerned, this other musical, entertainment or artistic related thing is far more important to you. Why doesn't the other person understand this - its always been this way to you. Maybe someone is trying to change you. Wasn't it this quality that attracted them to you in the first place? Probably. Its always occupied your life, why would anyone expect otherwise?
Your Travel - You often have to go places that are out of the way. You do it for your art and enjoyment. Somehow, living in a travel trailer for a week wasn't what someone else wanted to do, but this was an opportunity that you couldn't pass up. Many successful entertainers took that extra risk and found their audience - sometimes it took a lot of personal effort and there were some very lean times as a result. You may have to drop things at a moments notice - this makes sense to you. It appears as instability to others.

Whose fault is it?

Why is this topic under Business? Because anything that affects your sale-ability and performance capabilities will affect your ability to work and meet your commitments. If you don't focus on the performance aspect, you might as well be out flipping hamburgers somewhere for a living.

There is no easy out. Most musicians and entertainers eventually are forced to make a decision. In the long run, the relationship almost always is the loser. This doesn't mean that there can't be compromises made; the problem often is that the compromises are often incompatible with music and entertainment goals. Usually, you are asked to give it up totally - this is not a compromise.

A Million Stories

Talk to other musicians and entertainers you meet. Ask them about the failed romances and people problems they have encountered over time. Anyone who has seriously pursued this path will have at least one story to tell. Some suffer more than others, and many repeat the same mistakes over and over again. You won't be the last to have this problem.

It makes no difference what sex you are; if you are driven to be a successful performer, your partner will have to learn to deal with it. Bringing this issue into the open will cause stress, but nothing compared to letting that other person discover it on their own. No one likes sharing a person with another obsession, but if they don't feel threatened by it, and both of you can be supporting to the others needs, its quite possible that you both will be happier, or at least more tolerant of you and the audience.

Questions? Comments? .